Two Blondes and a Number Cultist
by ewisko
Summary: Blaineley and Sugar, both partnered up together for a challenge, are lost on the island. However that's the least of their worries, Psycho DJ's Momma is on a rampage and Trent and Brick have concocted a crazy plan for the nine god? Will they make it out alive? Probably not. Secret Santa for 'MostAwesomeTDFan' of the Total Drama Writers Forum.


**Hello all! Back with a quick oneshot!**

**This is actually a Secret Santa for 'Most Awesome TD Fan' from the TD Writers Forum. This was the prompt:**

**Could I have something where Blaineley and Sugar get beaten to a pulp, where Leonard, Dave, Duncan, Scott, Shawn, Jasmine, Izzy, Dawn, DJ, Courtney, and Ella are there too? Not everyone has to be focused on, and you may add other characters if you want. Make all characters in character, except for if you decide to add Trent, Brick, Gwen, or Harold.**

**Hopefully I fulfilled everything in the prompt while putting a unique spin on it. But I'll save everything else for the endnotes**

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><p>It was northern Ontario at approximately 11:30 at night on December 30th, just a day before New Year's Eve. However this wasn't the only importance that this date held, it was also the day where another challenge from the seventh season of 'Total Drama' was almost coming to a close.<p>

This season (Which was named Total Drama Destruction) was on great in size, as the number of contestant from the usual 13-14 went to a sheer 52, due to Chris gathering all the previous contestants that had the pleasure (or unluckiness) to compete in any of the 6 prior ones.

However, something went a bit awry on this one however, Chris had decided that for this challenge he would re-use the 'Catch the Animal' challenge from season 1. The only twist now was that it was in pairs.

Almost all of the contestants got their animal, except for two blondes. Both greatly disliked from the cast. And from the summary of this story, I hope you can deduce who they were.

Although something else happened, one middle aged Momma was running on the loose now, due to some drugs that a certain number cultist gave her, which was what everyone was preoccupied at the moment.

"Oh man…" DJ put his hand to his forehead, as he paced around the cabin mad. All of the players were hanging out in one of the former team cabins, trying to figure out what to do about the sudden disappearance of DJ's Momma. DJ's Momma was actually a recent girlfriend of Chef Hatchet, and was staying on the island with him.

"Don't worry DJ." Dawn went up and patted the Gentle Giant's shoulders. "I sense your mother's aura is still healthy, and that she hasn't left the island yet."

"_Don't worry DJ, we will rescue your fair mother." _Ella chirped, in song.

"Yeah man." Duncan concurred, although he was noticeable annoyed by Ella's sudden singing. "I'll make sure everyone here comes out with you to help you go out and look for her, she must've not gone that far, it isn't that big of an island anyway."

"I think you're gonna have some trouble convincing 'him' to help." Shawn gestured to Brick quietly crying in the corner.

"DJ'S MOMMA WAS A MEANIE PANTZ TO ME!" Brick cried in anguish as he suddenly stood up and hugged the first person nearest to him. It was Scott.

"You take things way to seriously." Scott grumbled pushing Brick aside as he wept.

"I say we use a spell to bring her back!" Leonard suddenly declared, to no one in particular.

"Don't pay any attention to this one." Jasmine gestured to Leonard. "He's a few koalas short of a zoo."

"As long as they're still nine Koala's, it's cool." Trent said, taking what Jasmine said to literally.

"You're one to talk!" Izzy declared, pointing a finger in Trent's face. "You gave DJ's Momma the meth! And you didn't even share with E-Scope!"

"She has a point." Courtney narrowed her eyes at the number cultist.

"Hey, don't look at me!" Trent held out his hands defensively. "I didn't even want to take the meth myself, but Chef forced me and DJ's Momma too so I had to force myself as well as Momma to take 8 more snorts as well to get to nine!"

"Trent's religion is so stupid it's just…Gosh!" Harold moaned, clutching his head.

"Guys?" Dave suddenly spoke. "Shouldn't we try to get to her now, we're all wasting time here by talking."

"Germaphobe is right, we should get moving." Duncan agreed. "Let's get out of here and look." Most everyone nodded (Except Trent and Brick) and they strolled out the door hoping to find DJ's Momma.

Trent however, was still mad that no one took his religion seriously and went over to Brick.

"Brick, we have to go and get to DJ's Momma first!"

"Why?" Brick asked. "She's a meanie pants!"

"Because, I remember that Blaineley and Sugar didn't come back from there challenge yet." Trent started to propose. "That means if we find DJ's Momma and them, plus the Yeti that they needed to find, plus the camera man that's still with them, plus the two of us, we can make nine! With that number we can summon the nine god and smite these heathens together!"

"Great!" Brick jumped up excited. He suddenly grew thoughtful, counting on his fingers. "But that's only seven people?"

"I heard Chef got Momma pregnant, so there's technically a person in her body." Trent whispered. "I also have this." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a coconut. It had painted on red eyes and a mouth.

"Oh so nine!" Brick cheered.

"Now let's go, we haven't got a moment to spare!" And soon Trent and Brick rushed out the door, trying to do their asinine plan.

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><p>"I'm tired!"<p>

"Yeah, well I'm more tired!" A tired Blaineley snapped back. About 8 hours ago Chris had partnered her and Sugar up for the challenge. They still could not find the yeti yet, and it was growing dark. All they wanted to do now was to make it back to the meeting area, and the cabins that Chris built for this season on Pahkitew Island.

"Are you even sure we're going the right way." Sugar complained again. "It's darker than blacked furred possum out here."

"No." Blaineley, said plainly, pointing a finger at Sugar's face. "But if you want you can find a way back by yourself!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Sugar slapped Blaineley's finger away. "I'm an independent pageant girl!"

"You act like that's actually an accomplishment, I got my own show you know!"

"Then why are you on here then?" Sugar cockily asked.

"Why aren't you at a Pageant then?" Blaineley grumbled.

_Grrr…_

There bickering ceased as both of them heard the growling. Turning around slowly both finally saw the animal they were tasked to find, the Yeti. Only they didn't except a certain Momma to be riding on top of its shoulders.

"WHO DARES TO TRESPASS ON THE SACRED LAND OF :L!?" DJ's Momma commanded.

"What are you talking about?" Blaineley asked, more annoyed and tired than anything. "We're in Canada!"

"Nuh, Uh!" Sugar yelled. "We're in Ontario!"

"Ontario's in Canada you idiot!"

"Don't call me and idiot you blonde cow!"

"_SILENCE!" _DJ's Momma commanded again as the Yeti she was on stamped his foot. "You both are obviously: P heathens. Due to this me and Sir Sasquachanakwa will have to destroy you both! And for the record you both are :Ling idiots, the province we're in is British Columbia!"

"You liar, we ain't in Europe!" Sugar yelled back.

"Shut up!" Blaineley yelled back at Sugar.

"Now I shall silence you :Ling heathens to the realm of :P forever!" DJ's Momma roared as her yeti raised up it's fist, and punched both blondes, spiraling them to the ground.

"You damaged my makeup!" Blaineley cried on the ground.

"Mine too!" Sugar yelled.

The yeti spread out both its hand now to the air, with intent on smashing both blondes, however before he could act upon it, a red dart sailed through the air and into its neck. The Yeti from this grew very groggy and soon it fell on its back, in a dazed sleep.

"What :P witchcraft afflicted you!" DJ's Momma shouted in horror.

"The power of nine!"

Soon both Brick and Trent came rushing out from a bush and threw another tranquilizer dart, this time into DJ's Momma's neck.

":P heathens…" The old Momma murmured before it too like the Yeti fell into a sleep.

"About time you two showed up to save us." Sugar yelled wiping blood from her nose. "You two better have food!"

"Oh we have something better." Trent smirked as he took Mr. Coconut from his pocket. "Brick get the camera man."

"What?" A nameless camera man spoke in confusion before Brick tackled him to the ground. "What in the hell are you kids doing!?"

"We are pleasing the holy god of nine, heathen." Trent spoke and then chuckled. "Ah yes, soon the prophecy will be complete, two nine god believers and seven heathens, gathered together to sacrifice themselves in honor of the ninth god!"

"Sacrifice!" All yelled out in horror.

"Wait Sacrifice!" Brick yelled in terror. "I didn't know I was going to sacrifice myself!"

"You will due as your deity commandeth thee!" Trent yelled back at Brick.

"YOU MEANIE PANTS!" Brick suddenly got off the camera man. "YOU TRICKED ME!"

"Yes I did." Trent smiled. "But it was worth it. We may both die Brick with these two blondes, a Yeti, one crazy old lady and a nameless cameraman-"

"My name is Carl."

"Whatever, point is, once I say the magic word the nine god will appear and bring forth his goodly nine towards all believers!" Trent yelled in ecstasy. "NINE!"

As Trent said his supposed magic word, all grew silent. Brick actually thought he was going to die and was busy cowering in fear on the ground, whilst the Camera Man and Blaineley just stared at him wondering what was going on. Sugar was busy thinking of fried chicken to think about anything else.

Suddenly however a bush in the distance rustled, and Trent looked towards it in awe, thinking it was his savior the nine god.

"Woah, what happened here?" Duncan said as he appeared from the bush with others.

"You- are the ninth god?" Trent spoke out in awe.

"What the hell are you talking abou-" he suddenly received a slight jab from Courtney. "I mean yes! It is I, Duncan the mighty ninth god! And ,uh, I commandeth thee to return to the base camp with everyone here!"

"You, you truly wishith that?" Trent asked.

"I do!"

"This is illogical and stupid," Harold started to complain. "Duncan is not the ninth god and he is enabling Trent to continue believing his idiotic religion, further more-" Scott jabbed Harold, hard, in the stomach just to make him stop talking.

Trent gathered them all up, even the Yeti, as the others from the rescue party with Blaineley and Sugar went back to the main campsite.

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><p>After this happened, everything sorta went back to normal. Blaineley and Sugar were voted off together in the next episode for the simple reason that no one liked them, Duncan trying to milk this nine good thing for all it's worth convinced Trent and Brick to be in an alliance with him, allowing him to easily win the season, and Gwen went back to trying to get Courtney to date her once again.<p>

DJ's Momma and Chef had a wedding soon after the season ended, with all invited except Blaineley and Sugar.

:L

**A/N: Hopefully this came out all right. I honestly did this two times before but they mysteriously got lost on my computer. And for MostAwesomeTDFan I hope you enjoy this.**

**-ewisko**


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